So it seems like many of us have forgot about livejournal. I know I did!! AAAAAAAAAANnnnnnnnyyyywayyssss. What to say... Well to a certain one of my "friends" on here... I hope you got some petty fun out of being a "teachers aid" in choir. You're such a joke! :) I hope you keep thinking that it bugged me having you in choir and that your childish games of pushing me when I'm not looking make you feel like a big person. Don't even bother responding to this, I won't answer you. Have a good life.

As for my other friends.

Kelly, you still seem to amaze me.. I didn't talk to you in forever and then we get around to talking and it's like, bam. We're instantly back to where we started. You should write me sometime darling! I can't start letter lol

Manda... I know you haven't been on here in forever, but here's hoping... I miss you, I guess our friendship really wasn't meant to be. We never talk and I guess it's not really either of our fault.. It just doesn't happen because we're busy. I always hold a place in my heart for you though...

Serra, haha I don't know if you go on this anymore, but I think that you are nuts woman. Honestly. I think it's funny that you have no problem with me dating your exbf :P Well I hope you don't anyways, cuz he's mine now :) (I don't know what to say to you, I haven't talked to you in like, HOW long :P)

Umm... Tara... Wow, has been a while since I talked to you too. I hope life is going good for you. I honestly don't know what to say, now that you aren't at school anymore it's kinda hard to keep with you.

Jacky, we seem to have grown apart. I hope that you are having fun over there in Aussieland and that you are having great times with the friens you have over there. We used to have some of the deepest conversations, and now they have kinda died, but I still consider you a good friend.

Anybody I missed, I'm sorry, but I have to get back to schoolwork now :P

Love you peoples

(And I know it seems like I have no friends after reading this but that's just because you all suck and live far away hah!)

location: School mood: chipper music: I'm Gonna Getcha Good! - Shania Twain

All this time I've had a major crush on you... You know that... Finally I got over you, well, thought I got over you, and turns out I was wrong... I guess when you really love someone as much as I love you you can't get over them. And guess what, I don't care that you're NOT my boyfriend. I'm totally fine with that. I just wish that you didn't only want to see when you need sex. Yeah, I slept with you. Yeah, it's been more than once. But you know what, I'm not some whore you can just use for sex. FUCK. And yet, you don't even treat me like a friend. You spend more time talking to your fucking ex than you do talking to me, and you seem to have more affection for her, even though apparently you hate her. Like what the fuck.

I feel like a little kid who desperately wants her older brothers attention and he can't be bothered because he's too busy with his multiple girlfriends. You know, I really don't understand you. How is it that you can not feel bad about how you treat me? Do you have no conscience at all? Like seriously... All I want is to spend time with you, and I know that I can't have time with you in person because of the fact that you're busy and gas is expensive and blah. But seriously, you could log on to msn once in a while and spend a little time talking to me, just me, like I have for you so many times. Why can't I shake off of me.

You know even when I think of Brian, and him kissing me, and how much I miss it, and miss him, there is always that split second where the image of him kissing me is pushed out by one of you kissing me and then it spirals and I have to -force- you out of my mind. I don't understand it. I'm not going to say that I love Brian... I'm not, because I know it hasn't gotten to that point yet. I get jealous when I think he may be out with other girls sure. But I don't know if I will ever get to the point that I am at with you. I actually have to distract myself from you; from thinking about you. And when you call me, just randomly, out of the blue, it actually brightens my day and makes me smile.

I don't get why I can't just be older; be good enough; be what you want. I know I'm no playboy model type like Caroline, and I'm not your exgf who you love/hate like Mandy, but seriously. Why you can't just give me a chance, I don't get.

mood: sad

Aren't friends supposed to not purposely upset you?? It seems like mine try and upset me... Like honestly... If you know that someone talks shit about me and that seeing it makes me depressed then why talk to that person around me? Why tell me the shit that is said about me? All its going to do is hurt me... I can't stand you when you talk to him. And you honestly, I can see it, are falling for him. I can't believe that you would after all the lies and shit that you see him spew but noo.... You still talk to him, and tell him you LOVE him. Like what the fuck. I want to stab you.

mood: irate

Everyone tells me, your still young enjoy it.... Or... You can't be a kid... You're working now, you have to start paying your own bills and stuff. Well... How can I do both?

I want to prove myself. I want to show that I am a grown woman and that I can handle myself. But I'm so restricted. I honestly want to just drop out of school... Just like... I love working, and making a living. I love making my stand and being able to say that I am making money and having the freedom to be able to spend my money on what I want.

And now, I've come to a cross-roads. I so badly want to move out, move in with my "boy friend", help him out. And yeah, I know, that seems like it isn't so bad... But I can't. I'm stuck in this place of longing. I don't know what to do anymore... And that's just the thing. I CAN'T do anything about this.

I want to help him out so bad, because he is in such a bad place, but at the same time, I just -can't-. He lives a 45 minute drive (probably 2 hours bus drive at least..) away and I can't go out to see him and I work HERE not there, so I have no excuse to go out there. Plus it's not like I have a place to live out there, not that I'm sure I couldn't stay with him....

I just like.. UGH... This summer, I could stay at his place and work out there, and make enough money to help out with rent and food and stuff but I don't know if by then it will be too late. Plus, I doubt my mom would let me do that, because she hates this guy and if I get a new job around here I can't very well be like oh I need the whole summer off so that I can go work somewhere else and move in somewhere else. And if I keep my job out here and live out there, that's so much transit everyday... I mean, yeah, he does it. But ugh. That's going to cost me a fortune. PLUS i don't have a car yet, or a license for that matter and it's just ANNOYING. I need to be OLDER. I need MY OWN LIFE.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

mood: aggravated

UGH I HATE MY FUCKING JOB!!

My managers are fucking assholes. I came home IN TEARS tonight and haven't been able to stop crying yet. For like 10 minutes.

I work so much, get no respect, do THEM HUGE favours, and get NOTHING in return. Like FUCK. I want to quit so bad, but I can't.

I'm always hurting myself there. I've burned myself 4 times. I can't handle the stress and actually get hives when I'm working sometimes. I feel like a screw up all the time when I'm working and I just want it to go away. I never have time for me anymore or for SCHOOL. I never have time for anything.

I think I've already exhausted myself to the point of sickness because of work and they don't seem to see that. I WORK MY ASS OFF FOR THESE PEOPLE!!

And this is how I get repaid... Laying in bed at 11:30 at night crying because of what a horrible day I had and how bad my manager treated me.

I can't wait till I get my insurance book done and can quit.

--Posted here for Kelly :P--

mood: crappy

Well... Partially understand, why my friends get so threatened by me talking to their boyfriends. I mean, it's dumb cuz they introduce me to them and tell me to talk to them, but then get angry when we get along. lol I think it's just because of the fact that my friends (some of them, not all them) are bitches. lol There boyfriends like me better because I'm nicer to them then their girlfriends and they appreciate it. I mean, I don't mean to be, it just is part of my personality. It's just funny actually. :)

On another note, at the moment, I am in the middle of a bit of a jam. I have two guys that I really really like and they both like me back. One, just happens to live here-ish and one lives kinda far away. But I don't want to hurt either of them. So.. What to do. I will defnitely have to think about this one. But for now, they both know about each other and the one who lives far away, bless him, doesn't have any expectation for what will or will not happen between me and the local guy. We already have gone on one date and ended up kissing some and wow <3 lol It was great. But I have a feeling that with the guy that's far away, things would be good too. It's just sad to know he's far away.

Anyways. I think I've gone on about stuff enough for today.
Pow, ciao :)

mood: curious

I'm suppose to be able to tell you everything. I use to be able to tell you everything! Now, I can't even talk to you. You're too busy for me, it hurts too bad, and NEVER will I feel for anyone else the way I feel for you. I wish time wasn't so against me...
It was just a slight slip of fate that introduced us. It was by chance that we could have ever got this close and I don't what the big deal is. We fucking could do everything together, why can't you just tell me you love me AND REALLY MEAN IT. Why, if I'm so awesome, and if I'm the best, can't you just see that I love you more than anyone in this world possibly could?!?! You took away the feelings I had for someone else, and took them for you, magnifying them about a thousand times and now I can't even look at other people because when I do, and I tell them I love them it's all a fucking lie.

WHY DOES -SHE- HAVE TO BE MOVING HERE?!?!

How can you say that me and her come first, when you never put me first. It's always go away I'm waiting for a phone call or go away I'm playing a game or go away I'm talking to my girl. I HATE IT! I HATE YOU!

I need to have something... I need a way to get over you. FUCK. WHY CAN'T I GET OVER YOU. WHY DID THE ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HAVE TO CAPTURE MY HEART ENTIRELY TO THE POINT WHERE I CANT EVEN THINK ANYMORE?!?!

The saying goes "It's funny how someone can break your heart into a million pieces and you can still love them with every little piece." Well it's not funny at all!! It hurts. And trying to put your heart back together, when the glue that holds you together is what makes you fall apart, makes it really hard.


People say the only reason that I think I love you is because I lust for you. But it's not true. They say that you're the lowest thing on the planet, and compare you to gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe and it makes me cry. They say I need to get rid of you, and it makes me sad. But the overall point is, NONE of THEM know you like I do. None of them understand how amazing you are and how I would give anything for you. None of them understand that I have given you everything that I am, and none of them know that no matter how hard I try, I will always see you laying with me when I was crying and doing your best to make it all better.

I hate feeling this passionate. I hate not being able to think... I HATE HAVING TO CRY EVERY TIME I TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF ANYTHING!!

Why can't this just be easy :(



...I told you I cried when you went away. Well I'm afraid that the next time I see you, I'm going to cry, because I know that no matter how happy I am when I'm with you, you're always going to leave in the end. And I know that yeah, you're just a phone call away... But how am I suppose to tell you anything when I can't even make sense of what I want to say. I wish I could just pull out my heart and show you what you're doing to me...

Obviously you don't know how much I love you...

No one does.

And no one understand the utter heartbreak I feel everyday, knowing that I will never be what you want, and I will never be good enough for you...

I have changed so much just because I've known you... I've changed so much for you! And I know I will keep changing for you, even though it'll never be worth it.

You say you love me... I get that much. I understand that you can say it. But WHY can't you actually MEAN it.

~Why can't you love me like I love you~

mood: confused

So, I know no one reads this, but in my mind there is three types of attraction...


Brains
Muscles/Working
Beauty


And lucky me. I think I have an attraction to 3 people, each person with a different quality....


Mark - Beauty (lol)
Eric - Brains (-drool-)
and.... slightly... maybe..
Jake - Work


So... I know that like, Mark is taken... So that's toast.
And Jake, though he is one of the most caring guys and most fun to joke around with, I know I don't have a chance with him and don't want one. I want him as just a friend and don't want to like him :P
And then there's Eric... Oh Eric.. lol Definately one of the most awesome guys I've ever met. And we would have so much fun together if he was here, but like, arg, the distance!

Anyways... I seem to come on here to rant about guys most of the time, so yeah....
Why bother changing that?
Atleast here people can't judge me....
Well.... People that I don't want to see this anyways....

mood: confused

Okay, so my mother is once again up to her old tricks. Except, this time, shes emotionally unstable because she's been trying to stop her best friend from commiting suicide and she comes complainging to me and then she find a card I got that was signed "from mom" and she freaks. Its so dumb. She's like all crying and blah blah. I was like it doesnt really mean too much, which it does. But if she didnt freak out so much and be such a biotch all the time then there wouldnt be any reason for me to need to have a second mom, one who actually treats me good. And shes all like going on about how my brother and I are the only thing she has, but you know what Mother, TWO YEARS AND IM OUT OF HERE! Seriously. I hate it here and I am so glad I get to leave once I grad. My mother is being exactly like her friend and I was so close to being like his daughter this morning and saying you know, why don't you and him just go jump off a cliff together. I don't want to live here, with you, as much as she doesn't want to live there with him, so do us both a favour. Of course, I didn't actually say that because that would just make things worse, but seriously, this woman needs to get a life.

mood: annoyed

Right now I have one of my exboyfriends telling me that he loves me... yay... Hes all like "I dont know why I broke up with you", and "I dont know why I got together with ___", and "I still love you" AND "I never loved anyone more than you"... Im just like AH STOPPIT >.<

*sigh* stupid males...

i luv mark now dammit

mood: annoyed

So the year before last year I had a party... And at the time my best friend and I were fighting so I didnt invite her. This just caused her to get more pissed off at me and we fought for longer. And then last year I didnt have a party or even celebrate really because we couldnt afford it and I didnt want a party... This year all I want is 4 people. But I already know one of them absolutely cant come (Manda, babe, I wish you could) and then miss Taryn freaking has been to a bunch of birthday parties and stuff lately but no, she cant come to -mine-. We're supposed to be BEST FRIENDS. And she got mad at me last time when I didnt invite her... GRRRRRRRRRRR. Why the heck are people so dumb sometimes?!?!

mood: angry

Okay.. I'm "at work" and I am so tired that I can't even concentrate... I got absolutely no sleep last night because I was house sitting and the animals that I was watching were being annoying and wanting outside every 20 minutes >.< And I was fine until now. Now I just feel so bored out of my skull and tired and like I don't wanna do anything, I just want to sleep... I feel.. blah. x.x I'm glad I don't have to house sit tonight... I have to again tomorrow probably... But not tonight.. Yay.. *dies*

mood: drained

So.. theres this girl...
She is amazing and beautiful,
one of the most unique and brilliant people I know.
This girl is so awesome and dare I say it.. I love her.
I know I know, gasp and what not. lol But its true.

Amanda, you are awesome. And I couldnt ask for a more caring, unselfish person in my life. I never wanna lose you and I hope you know that. You are very dear to me and you ARE amazing...

...Dont ever let go...

mood: loved

[_] Come to my house to do nothing at all but chill?

[_] Fight me?

[_] Fuck me?

[_] Kiss me?

[_] Let me kiss you?

[_] Watch a movie with me?

[_] Go out to dinner with me?

[_] Let me drive you somewhere?

[_] Take a shower with me?

[_] Drink with me?

[_] Take me home for the night?

[_] Let me sleep in your bed?

[_] Sing car karaoke w/ me?

[_] Re-post this for me to answer your questions?

[_] Hold my hand?

[_] Let me make you breakfast?

[_] Help me with homework?

[_] Tickle me?

[_] Let me tickle you?

[_] Instant message me?

[_] Greet me in public?

[_] Hang out with me?

[_] Bring me around your friends?

[_] Be down with me no matter what?

[_] Go to prom with me?


D0 Y0U...
[_] Think I’m cute?

[_] Think I’m serious?

[_] Think I’m a good person

[_] Think I’m conceited?

[_] Want to kiss me?

[_] Want to cuddle with me?

[_] Want to hook up with me?

[_] Want to *Do* me?

[_] Think I would do you?

[_] Love me?


AM I...

[_] Smart?

[_] Cute?

[_] Funny?

[_] Sexy?

[_] Cool?

[_] Romantic?

[_] A *freak*?

[_] Gangsta?

[_] Loveable?

[_] Adorable?

[_] Trustworthy

[_] Compassionate?

[_] Great to be with?

[_] Attractive?

[_] Mean?

[_] Well known?



HAVE Y0U EVER...
[_] Thought about hooking up with me?

[_] Found yourself wanting a kiss from me?

[_] Wished I were there?

[_] Had a crush on me?

[_] Wanted my number?

[_] Had a dream about me?

[_] Been distracted by me?

[_] Wanted to see my private part?

[_] Looked at my page more than ten times?


ARE Y0U...
[_] Happy you know me?

[_] Horny?

[_] Thinking about me?

[_] Wanting to call me to talk about these things?

[_] Going to repost this

mood: loved

I so just remembered I have a place where I can rant and not have "certain people" see it.

...I know this isnt going to be new for some of you but yeah...

Theres this.... feeling that I have... You know the one... "Love someone so much it hurts"? I know this is pathetic sounding but ya... I hate the fact that this person has a significant other... It hurts so much. And I know that this person loves me too... Which hurts more... But I cant ask them to break up so that we can go out. They love each other too. This whole thing is so messed up.

I just want someone...
Okay... I just want this person...
But seriously!! Why can't things just go my way for ONCE >.

mood: lonely

I hate you so much, for what you've done to me, for knowing that you were going to hurt me and still continuing with it. You KNEW I would find out sooner or later, and you just asked her out anyways. You knew I was suspicious, how the hell could you do that? What was there to gain by hurting me? By telling me you loved me and by saying you were going to come up here? I never did anything to hurt you. I was always there when you were upset, I nearly went into freaking asthmatic shock when I heard you were in the hospital. I just dont get how Im such a horrible person that you would be willing to leave me, for her, and cheat on me with her. And I know you guys are all lovey dovey and whatever, I dont care about that. I never wanted to be with you, I was fine with us just being friends, UNTIL YOU ASKED ME OUT! YOU KNEW I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOU. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I?!?! I dont get how one person can hurt another so bad...

I dont get how you can break me into a thousand pieces and have me still love you. I dont get how it shatters my heart everytime I see you say I love you to her.

I miss you
...talking to you makes me stomach hurt
I miss the closeness we shared
...thinking about you makes me hurt
I miss the way we used to be
...it will never be the same
I miss how we used to talk
...it won't ever be the same
I miss the way you used to care about me
...i know you still do but its not the same
I miss the fact that you loved me in some way
...even if it wasn't real "love"



Is it possible to want to be so close to somebody, when even seeing there name makes you sick...
when you hurt so badly but have to hide it for fear of hurting them, and when you never know if you'll ever be able to change the way you feel, even though you've desperately tried.

mood: crappy

*sigh*
...Its kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I,
never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me will it start a fight
No, I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I,
never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I,
never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(let it die,I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late....






I feel really weird, like... This song makes me so sad but on the other hand I cant stop listening to it. It makes me want to cry... The picture I did on deviantart that I did in dedication to this song is so relevant... I really wish Keri was here... I want my best friend around... I miss my Keri... I dont even get why its so bad... I guess Im back to this lonely stage... I am so lonely and I dont get why... Friends talking about guys all the time makes me want to cry... How come my friends all can be happy and not me... Why do I feel like Im missing something in my life... And why the hell am I always trying to fill it with guys... Its so dumb... Why cant I just be normal.. Like the normal teenager... I think I would be willing to have the heartache and pain of loving someone if I could just be happy... I dont get why I cant be happy on my own...

mood: discontent music: Lips Of An Angel - Hinder

So like, life is busy. You get doing stuff and then stuff gets busy doing you. (I hope that didnt sound as wrong to you people as it did to me.) In saying that what I mean is it gets busy taking hold of you and never wanting to let you go have your own life. Um yeah. So. Ive been busy not having my own life lately. And I mean, its for money so its not bad but i wish I had me time. I have 4 hours of homework tonight and its 10:30 and I still havent started because I was babysitting then cooling down from babysitting and Im just blah. I need to like.. Type up stuff and actually do work before my English teacher goes ballistic on me but I dunno. I just dont want to do work. I mean, I do plenty of work at school. But home is for NOT WORK!! I need time for myself to play Warcraft and have fun. I mean. I cant stay up until all hours of the night everynight. It just doesnt work, I end up dieing the next day of tiredness. And I have Science tomorrow and havent done any science work in a week >.< Im going to get so far behind, ew. Anyways. Im going to hopefully start homework now. And maybe get Nicole to take me home when she gets home. I dont want to be here tomorrow morning :( I just want to go home and sleep, even though Im getting used to sleeping here.. I just.. Want to go home.. Not that home is the most amazing place ever.. But yeah.. toodles.

mood: blah

Okay, so home has become my sanctuary from school but yet school is my sanctuary from home. So go figure I have nowhere I feel safe or wanted. I mean, home if great, when no one else is here.. Or even when its just me and Scott here.. But my brothers a little idiot when he has friends around and my mom... Ugh dont get me started.. Its like I have nowhere to belong. I cant wait till I move out. But its like I cant even bring myself to the point to have the strength to break my moms heart and move out. Even if she is an evil bitch who just cries to me about everything thats going on. I mean sure we have fun, sometimes. But she even got mad at me yesterday for sleeping!! I mean, she didnt say anything but the look on her face when I woke up and saw her in my room was like I CANT BELIEVE YOUR SLEEPING!! GET UP YOU LAZY ASS AND HELP ME WITH HOUSEWORK! Gah. I want to just go. But I wont because that will just hurt my moms feelings.. I need to talk to Laura later.. I think Im going to make an appointment with her.. Or go to the youth center after school... Yeah, that might be better. They dont have any way of contacting my mom... Hmm... I have to look up some stuff too.... But I have to get back to school in a few minutes and meet with my TA... Gah! Too much going on!!

mood: stressed music: Pink- Family Portrait